The Rules of the Game

After three years of living in Europe and watching British news, sports and weather broadcasts, I find myself in a comfortable position to draw together my objective observations and inform the rest of the free world that which I have learned about the game of cricket. This is a game that has gone largely misunderstood and viewed with confusion. I intend to help you to understand this game and blow away that fog of confusion that surrounds it.

Cricket is primarily played by athletes not qualifying for more strenuous team sports or other sports that require a basic level of precision or endurance. The main area of ability must lie in their talent to apply zinc oxide decoratively and to match their whites. The players who are successful at this game must be gifted with coordination enough to skip without falling and the ability to throw a ball and have
it hit the ground at least four out of five throws.

In the center of the cricket field of play is a receptacle, in which (I am led to believe) are placed the ashes of some historically significant tree stump. Somewhere in relation to this receptacle--it might be on top--is the wicket. No one knows what the wicket is, since no one has
ever seen it, but the object of the game is for the bowler to throw a ball, in an attempt to dislodge the wicket from its appointed position.

Another player holds a long paddle and tries to swat the ball, thrown by the first player, away from its target. If the man with the paddle is successful in his swatting, apparently that round is finished, and a new bowler tries his hand at knocking off the allusive wicket.

If the bowler is able to dislodge the wicket, he then takes off into the playing field and runs aimlessly until the wicket can be collected and someone on the opposing team can stop him. If he isn't stopped before the ball is found, the man with the paddle is expected to give him a
brain concussion with same paddle. Now, if the wicket becomes lost in the fracas, it can be replaced easily. Since no one knows what it looks
like, many substitutions can be and are made. It is quite common to see rolled athletic socks, borrowed sets of car keys or broken pieces of pottery used in place of a lost wicket.

After several hours of play and scoring procedures that change with the wind, all play stops while the players bring their chaise lounges
onto the field and the Queen joins them for tea.

I won't try to explain the second half of the game, because no one has ever had the tenacity to watch an entire game. Suffice it to say that a
single game sometimes lasts several days. During this time hundreds of points are amassed by players completing something referred to as "runs."

Hopefully, I have cleared up some of the misconceptions about this sport. Even more than this, I hope you can sleep well knowing that people are demanding and receiving large salaries to play this game.