What Has Happened?

Okay, I don’t want to actually hurt anyone. I don’t want to put out a contract on an ex-lover.  I don’t want to hire a thug to break the knees of a rival.  I don’t want to seek assistance from a withered hag to curse my former friend.  I don’t even want to assassinate the president. I just want to stop people from speaking in such a way that it appears they’ve been raised by larger primates.

              I teach high school English, and I realize that most people don’t speak perfectly.  I even make grammatical errors in my daily conversation.  I’m not unaware of the fact that my job puts me in a position to recognize other people’s speech deficiencies, but I try to be realistic and look for the meaning behind what people say.  No one is any more annoyed with people who verbally correct other people’s speech in public conversation than I.  I think it’s rude, and somewhat demeaning, and people can be embarrassed unnecessarily. 

              If you correct people like this, they start to avoid you, and you become a social pariah.

              That said, I want to scream when I hear phrases like, “I seen,” “My fiend house,” “Had went,” and “We conversate.”  These aren’t just verbal mistakes, but they are roughly the equivalent of baby talk.  This kind of verbal illiteracy crosses racial lines and weaves through all layers of socio-economic status.  I worry that common speech is descending into a morass of lazy thinking and lack of concern that the rest of intelligent humanity is laughing at us.

              Other languages have rules and people who speak that tongue look at you befuddled if you use incorrect tenses or even idiotic pronunciation, but English—being the most wide-spread language of  communication—often accommodates errors.  But accommodation can only go so far before we become the linguistic joke of the planet. If this was a problem only heard in sub-cultures or ethnic communities, it wouldn’t bother me any more than any accent, slang, creole or pidgin, but it isn’t. 

              This may be the harbinger to the end of civilization as we know it.

             

Are You Annoying?

    This is a common question that many may ask about
themselves.  If you are not among the many who ask this vital
question, you are sorely in danger of the answer being, "Yes."
    Oftimes, it is easy to assess one’s own level of
annoyance, by answering simple questions such as, "Do I make
noises or splash while eating?" "Do I dance in public places not
intended for dancing?" and "Is my nick-name ‘Pest’?"
    For others, these kinds of simple questions are not
enough.  If you are a friend indeed, take the following short quiz
to assess your personal A.Q. (Annoyance Quotient).

        Quiz

1.  When confronted with a major decision, I usually . . .
    a.  make a logical choice.
    b.  cry.
    c.  quote Nietzsche.
    d.  sing show tunes.

2.  For breakfast, I like to eat . . .
    a.  eggs and toast.
    b.  cereal.
    c.  out.
    d.  whatever’s on the next guy’s plate.

3.  When a party gets dull, I . . .
    a.  go home.
    b.  go to another party.
    c.  spill the bean dip.
    d.  sing show tunes.

4.  My friends are always happy, if they hear that I will
drop . . .
    a.  in.
    b.  out.
    c.  a foal.
    d.  dead.

5.  My hobby is . . .
    a. collecting stamps.
    b.  collecting pancakes.
    c.  collecting enemies.
    d.  singing show tunes.

6.  I once got a girl . . .
    a.  flowers and a box of chocolates.
    b.  home late.
    c.  pregnant.
    d.  pissed-off.

7.  In a crises, what is the best way to alert the police?
    a.  Call 9-1-1.
    b.  Yell for help.
    c.  Send smoke signals.
    d.  Sing show tunes.

8.  I always have trouble remembering . . .
    a.  phone numbers.
    b.  people’s names.
    c.  to say, "Thank you."
    d.  which hand to extend for a handshake.

9.  When I started to attend public school, my parents hoped I
would not learn . . .
    a.  bad words.
    b.  bad habits.
    c.  the way home.
    d.  to sing show tunes.

10.  I moved to another town and changed my name . . .
    a.  for professional reasons.
    b.  as par of a witness protection program.
    c.  again.
    d.  because my family forced me.

    If you answered three or more of these questions with the
answer labeled c. or d., you may consider yourself certifiably
annoying.  If your answer to any of the odd-numbered questions
involved the singing of show tunes, either change your ways or
drop out of polite society and live as an outcast.
    Hopefully, this little self-improvement aid has been of
some assistance.  Good luck, and have pleasant friendships.