Could This Be Avoided?

Over and over again I see something on the highways and byways of America that saddens me, or even sickens me, though I must have seen it more times than I care to count. Each time I pass this familiar sight, I look and have to ask why. Though some tragedies are unavoidable, I think this one could probably be avoided almost altogether.

Marsupials are considered slightly higher on the smart-scale than, say cows, so why can’t opossums keep from getting run over by cars? They have common sense enough to carry their young in a pouch, rather than letting them hang on for dear life like monkeys, but then they go right out and challenge an internal combustion engine to a death match. It doesn’t take rocket science to know the outcome here.

Relatively speaking, the other side of that road is the great unknown to that opossum; it’s a long way over there. Even after Columbus discovered America, people didn’t jump the pond with any regularity until the airplane. Why can’t this furry thing just settle down on one side of the road or the other?

He could say, “Life is good here living under the Smith’s house. There are plants and grubs and an occasional treat from the garbage.” If nothing else, he might say, “Poor Joe hasn't been the same since he got that new Goodyear weave. I’m not repeating his mistake.” But apparently they don’t learn from the mistakes of others any better than human teenagers.

The opossum isn’t the fastest creature on the planet, so the odds are against him on surviving a trip across the road. If the odds were in his favor–or even a solid 50/50--it might be worth the risk. If what I’ve seen is accurate, most of these guys become road pizza.

I have two theories for why this animal-auto ballet happens. The first is that our fuzzy little friends actually plan the crossings during low-evening-traffic hours, but when the lights come over a hill or around a blind curve, they freak out and stand paralyzed in the path of certain doom. The second theory is that we have an entire branch of the marsupial family given to extreme depression. Their melancholy comes from the realization that they are just plain ugly. The kangaroo is cute and even funny, but the opossum looks like a freakishly large rat. Maybe they run out into the road simply to end it all.

Whether it’s counseling or instruction they need, the opossum needs something.

I see a final answer to the age-old imponderable of why the chicken crossed the road: The chicken must have crossed the road finally to show the opossum how it’s supposed to be done. Apparently the opossum is a slow learner.